Sniffles = Random thinking

Bah. Kena flu already. Very sian sia, cos I couldn’t really sleep well since I was more busy with discharging mucus from my blocked nose or I’d die of suffocation (ok, I’m exaggerating: Can breathe through mouth).

So as I lay on the mattress with the roll of toilet paper next to me, (Because Kleenex is much more expensive, don’t waste it), my mind just started to wander.

1. Is it really your abilities that people judge all the time? Seems not to me. When I applied for the job through phone, I had a job offer almost immediately. Yet once I came clean, the job offer vanished and turned away many others. Seems like my little experiment did confirm my suspicions. And damage my ego about finding jobs in the future. Then I remember what happened in lower sec/upper primary (can’t really remember the year alr), when I lost the impetus to continue the rat race for academic excellence. I was sitting on the floor at the coffee table, then my mum was drilling into my how bloody important it was for me to be better than others, how I cannot end up as a road sweeper, how I must achieve academic excellence, be way up there, so that I can at least have a proper job, a job which others can easily get with results poorer than mine. Being young, I was sobbing because I didn’t quite believe her, or maybe I subconsciously resented the fact that society is just so unfair. But she was crying too. Today, although I still feel a little pissed off, I think I’m over it. Or maybe I have accepted that fact.
2. Then my mind continued drifting and ended up some other place. About the A lvl results. I thought/predicted some of my grades. And sadly, I don’t suppose it will be very helpful in getting me into the courses I want, not since I know I screwed up my GP essay. Then because that thought was getting increasingly depressing, my mind drifted away again to…
3. Friends. Then I realised I really suck at making friends, because I’m so guarded and afraid of what people actually think of me. All my friendships were cultivated because we worked together for long periods of time, so they sorta slowly got to know me. But none were spontaneous ones which were a result of socialising over a short period of time…
4. Then the bloody noseblock got to me and I tried to recall when I have a flu this bad. Unfortunately, I thought about the pneumonia back in primary school. Shudders. Wouldn’t want to have medicine every 6 hours that tasted horrible and visiting Uncle Hee Ken’s clinic to face him shaking his head and wondering if I had some terminal illness. Shudders (perhaps its just because of the cold)

Bah. A very depressing and very mind-wandering night. Guess its a combination of the flu and panadol.

Bah.